did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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