I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
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