this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
