I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Randomize
