Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
