I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Randomize
