Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Then you guys just all showered together...?
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
Randomize
