does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I just want to make out with him forever
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Randomize
