If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
