Can Purell be used as lube?
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
