I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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