Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
