I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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