Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
