idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize