my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
