so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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