Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
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