So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize