It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
