PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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