i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize