Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Randomize
