Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
