Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Can vaginas get frostbite?
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
