she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
