ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
