He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
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