I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
