things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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