I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize
