So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
