two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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