Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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