remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
