This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
