i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
