im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
