oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Randomize
