Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
