I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
