my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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