dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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