Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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