I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
He called his prostate his "boner button".
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
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