Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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