i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
