Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Randomize
