how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
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