I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Randomize
