now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
