I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Randomize
