Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
