I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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