sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
I'm at about main and main street
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
