Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize