You're a womanizer and a bitch.
This girl is more easily done than said...
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize