I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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