I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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