Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
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