Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
