I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
Randomize
