"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize