my vag is so smooth its legendary
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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