i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
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