end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
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