well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Randomize
