the condom got lost in my hair
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
