I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
