shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
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