I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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