I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
two words...techno handjob
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
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