I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
